What I need to teach my daughter…

I have about 6 more weeks of feeling like a swollen blimp, but I know that it will all be worth the discomfort when I see her tiny eyes look up at me.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about what type of mother I want to be. How do I want to raise my daughter? What values should I teach her and which ones are most important? It’s an incredible feeling knowing that I will be molding a tiny mind. One day I will sit back and listen to her vent her opinions and I will think to myself, I helped her form those opinions – because I raised her. I want to know I did the best I could. I want to know that all the work I put in as a parent, will create a productive, strong member of our world. So, I think about what to teach her. Not necessarily what I want to teach her, but what I need to teach her.

If she could read right out of the womb – here is a small list of things I would want her to carry in her front pocket.

1. You are beautiful. Not to just me or your dad. God made you just the way you are and that way is beautiful. Never think otherwise.
2. Always let that spirit fly free. There is no harm in chasing dreams or being overly ambitious.
3. You cannot fail until you try. Do not let the word “fail” discourage you. Fail just means “another chance”. Keep pushing.
4. People will judge you. This is life. Do not let their judgements influence what is in your heart. What your heart says, is the truth.
5. It will hurt when you feel really small at the expense of someone else. Take a deep breath and remember, they are the ones who feel small. People judge other people to make themselves feel bigger.
6. Do not judge people. It’s not fair, nor is it your place. People come from all different backgrounds – experiences and environment form people. Judgement only hurts others. See above.
7. Don’t partake in gossip – it’s never worth it. See above. Gossip is unnecessary judgement.
8. People will hurt you. Allow the sting to crack your heart, but don’t let their actions break you. Learn to self soothe and heal. Learn to take time for yourself.
9. Material things drive our society. It’s sort of sad, but it’s life. Do not let yourself become consumed with thoughts of “stuff”. In the end, shiny stuff fades to dull stuff. Stuff is temporary. Trends come and go.
10. You will have friends who have more money than you and nicer “stuff” than you, being envious is not healthy. Work hard and appreciate the things you earn.
11. You will have friends who have less money than you and “stuff” that isn’t as nice as yours. Share. Willingly. Never complain about helping. If someone doesn’t pay you back – it’s not the end of the world.
12. You will have friends who are “smarter” than you or more talented than you in a certain activity or academic subject. Learn from them. Have patience. Try again.
13. You will have friends who struggle at something you succeed in – help them. Be patient.
14. Forgiveness is a true art form. Learn this early. Many people cannot truly understand what forgiveness is. Many people do not know how to forgive. It is not a temporary solution. You can’t forgive, then hold on to it and bring it up years later. Forgiveness is the ability to let go of someone else’s mistake – no matter how much it hurt you.
15. It takes much more energy to hold a grudge against someone. See above.
16. Learn to hit the reset button. Decompress. Learn that you will face huge stressors, uphill battles. Learn to take a break and reassess. No harm in walking away to come back later with a fresh mind and fresh heart.
17. Learn to listen. Listening is one of the greatest qualities a person can have. One day, I hope you sit outside, out in the country and just listen. It’s the most beautiful sound you’ll ever hear.
18. Trust can be broken. It’s up to you, and no one else, to put the pieces back together. Trust . You can’t learn to pick up broken pieces if you don’t allow yourself to trust.
19. You will go through phases of changing your appearance, hair styles and possibly hair color. Don’t forget that you are you. You don’t need to change yourself for anyone or anything.
20. Laugh. Laugh often. Laugh at yourself. Laugh with others. Laugh at jokes. Laughter is happiness. Smiling and laughing is SO much easier than frowning and crying.
21. Be polite and be patient. When the person driving behind you is acting like a jerk, when the cashier isn’t very friendly, when you are frustrated and “fed up” standing in a long, long line. Remain polite. You do not know what others are facing. Their challenges could be much greater than yours. Always let your light shine through. It will make someones day.
22. Do not be afraid. Ever. There is nothing in this world that is more debilitating than fear. See #3.
23. You will have faults. We all do. No human is perfect. I’m not perfect. Your dad’s not perfect. Do not beat yourself up over faults. Identify them. Accept them. Work on them. You’d be surprised on what good comes from identifying your own faults.
24. Travel. The world is so big. Explore other cultures, religions, food, art, people. To be a well-rounded, productive member of the world. You cannot be narrow-minded. You must be open and accepting of other cultures and people. You cannot experience places or things by reading them in books. Travel.
25. Be independent. Always remember that you made you. Your hard work in school landed the job. Your hard work at the job landed a bonus. The bonus landed you a first class round the world trip. Be independent. You can achieve all you want to achieve with just a little drive.
26. Love. Love with all your heart. Fall in love. Wake up in love. Fall asleep in love. Love is like forgiveness, in its true form it is rare, but it is so very special. Hold it close to you and nurture it. That little saying “Is the grass greener on the other side.” – I’ll save you a TON of heartache… It’s not greener – water your own grass.
27. Read books, they allow your mind to wander and open.
28. Try to steer clear of the technology addiction. Put your phone away during lunch. Write a letter or send a card. These things are becoming a lost art – but people appreciate them. You will appreciate these actions, when someone does it for you.
29. Set an example for others. Your kindness, your open-mindedness, your patience, your free spirit will encourage others to find their happiness. The more people who see the light, your light – the better the world will become.
30. You make the world a better place, just because you breathe.
31. Enjoy your life. You may think you have all the time in the world – but life is so very short in the grand scheme of things. Make your mark, you only get one life – one chance. Live big, but one day at a time. There is no need to rush through life.
32. Lastly, when your father and I say “because I said so”… there is a reason behind it and maybe we are experiencing a major parenting stutter – but it’s for your own good. Just listen.

 

Boston 2014

I woke up this morning, exhausted from being pregnant and not finding a comfortable sleeping position all night. Not to mention waking up several times to my husband creeping onto my reserved side of the bed. Anyway, I woke up and took a deep breath, facing another Monday when I remembered.. Its Marathon Monday. BOSTON MARATHON.

Shalane at the start of the 2014 Boston Marathon. WIN IT SHALANE!

I jumped out of bed with such force, ran and turned on the TV, hit the record button, ran over to the shower and took a record breaking shower – and ran and leaped back into bed to watch the women’s elite start of the 2014 Boston Marathon.

Its been one year since the terrible and horrific bombings of the Boston Marathon and this year the runners and specatators are out with new hearts, new strength and more fury to make the Boston Marathon the greatest race in the US.

I am now sitting at my desk, iPad playing the live feed – biting all my nails off – hoping and praying that Shalane Flanagan wins the womens field for the 2014 Boston Marathon. It would be the first year since 1985 that an American Woman has won this race – and to think it could happen one year after the bombings.. Bring tears to my eyes.

I’ve griped and complained that I haven’t been able to run during my pregnany due to a uterus complication, however, today my doctor is supposed to call me with good news (Yes you can run easy) or bad news (Nope – not allowed to run). Again, it would be a great and blessed day, to hear that news on Marathon Monday. Maybe the stars and planets will align – Shalane will win, I’ll get permission – and all will be perfect in the world.

I told my husband today when I was racing out the door – to get to the office – to turn my iPad back on, that I WOULD run Boston Marathon in 2 years. One year to train post partum and one year to train to qualify. He looked at me and said, “Show me what you got”. He knows that its every runners dream to chase a BQ. He also knows that I won’t stop until I get to run the greatest marathon in the US.

Good luck and run fast Boston runners.. I am cheering and jumping around at my office – all the way from Texas!

Happy Running, Kelli

Swimming isn’t a run in the park!

During my 9-10 months of pregnancy, I thought I would be one of those cute little preggo runners who had this adorable baby bump to rock with my sports bras… Little did I know that Baby Calderwood had different plans for me. I am now considered high risk due to a uterus malformation, so the goal is to keep Baby CWood cooking as long as possible. So with this news, my doctors next words of “No running” came as a shock.

21 weeks and some change!

At first I moped around and tried not to look at other runners who were beating the streets in the morning. Then my sweet friend Catherine asked me to join her at her Masters Swimming group. At first I thought – hell I can’t swim – but figured it would be better than sitting and moping around.

My first time at the pool I was a little insecure. I was surrounded by all these hard body triathletes and injured runners, then there I was – jiggly from pregnancy and with a large baby bump. I got into the pool and quickly realized that swimming is no freaking joke.

I could barely make it a full 50m without stopping to breathe! I remember sitting at the end of the lane I was sharing and watching these athletes cruise through the water like fish! I knew then this would be a welcomed challenge for me during my pregnancy!

Swimming is a completely different beast that running. Running a mile would take me (on a fast day) 6:45-7:05 minutes, swimming a mile took me almost an hour! It’s a completely different cardiovascular challenge. You can’t breathe freely and you don’t have your solid legs to propel you off the ground in a forward motion. By the end of my 1.5 hour swim, my shoulders and traps are always on fire.

So I’ve been going to this swimming group a few times a week, and I’ve seen a major different in my ability to swim! For a girl who once was terrified of freestyle stroke – I now welcome it. It also is a way for me to feel weightless with this big belly. AND surprisingly the hard bodies welcomed me – no questions asked!

Now, this isn’t to say I miss running so SO much! I miss the wind on my face, snot in my nose, spit on my lips, legs burning, sweat soaked running. It’s hard to be told that you can’t do something you love almost as much as your own life. Running found me at a sad point in my life when I was losing my grandfather. It morphed into a daily blessing, something I could own and call my own…

When that was taken away from me it was hard to cope. However swimming has definitely filled that void. Hopefully Baby Calderwood enjoys the swimming and once she gets here, in August, she enjoys the trails.

Pretty much…

Happy Running & Swimming Y’all.

It’s been a while… Just an update.

It’s been since October that I have written anything in my blog. So much has happened in these short, but long months that have passed. Let me explain as quickly as I can – then we can get to the good stuff.

1. Chris and I got hitched. The wedding was amazing, crazy, beautiful, unforgettable.. all of the above. November 2, 2013 will always be a day that I will cherish. I will never forget waking up on the wedding morning and waking Chris us with a very loud “WE ARE GETTING MARRIED TODAY”.
2. In early December…. we must have had some really good luck and a lot of God’s blessings in our corner because we got PREGNANT. I know, its crazy to think – I am brewing a human! We are due in August, if everything goes as planned. We have had a few hiccups – and now I am higher risk than normal due to a uterus issue. I am hoping I can keep Baby Calderwood cooking until August!
3. January 2014 – I drop from the Houston Marathon. It was so excruciating to drop – but after talking with my OB, its about the baby, not me. Crazy kid is already taking over my routine!
4. February 2014 – I was told “No more running or high impact sports”. Devastated, I sulked on the couch for a week or so, eating Goldfish and veggie burgers.
5. March 2014 – I was invited by my dear, sweet friend Catherine to come try swimming. I was hooked after my first,very slow

Since all of this has happened… I can’t sit here and type that I don’t miss running. I miss it every day. Seeing my friends texts, facebook posts and instagrams is sometimes tough to swallow. Most of my running friends haven’t really reached out – but I know they are busy training. I did do something exciting.. I reapplied for the Houston Marathon Ambassador program. I hope that this will kick-start my running once the baby comes in August. (I am likely to have a C-Section, so 6 weeks after baby is what I have heard you cannot exercise). I also am confirmed for the TSC NY Marathon in 2015. This will be my first marathon back since baby, and it falls on my anniversary weekend in November – secretly hoping the hubs is down for a trip to NYC, sans baby.50m. The next day I had a swim cap, goggles and a two piece speedo (so I can let the belly hang out).

Swimming isn’t easy by any means. I find my lower half sinking in the water while I swim free-style. The masters coach said that may be because I am a runner and my lower half is heavier due to the muscle. He also said I am not keeping my head down after I breathe, which can cause the lower half to sink while you swim. I am definitely working on it though! I am hoping that swimming will keep my body in shape, my heart and lungs strong – and after the baby I can possibly alternate both sports….

Dare I say I could be slowly progressing into a triathlete? Ha! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves – also my husband would have a heart attack if he knew how much money the bikes are.

Happy Running (and Swimming) Y’all.

My Personal Worst

It was cold, bone shivering cold. Perfect conditions. The morning was spent trying to calm my nerves, I knew this was going to be my race. I had trained extremely hard for this moment. Months of training. Countless 4am mornings. Sweat. Tears. Sore muscles. All of the hard work I had done came down to this morning. The next 4 hours were mine to own.

Dancing in the car at the start!

As Kristen and I stood at the start line, I looked around at the other 70ish runners. I’m not sure if I was sizing up my competition or if I was trying to figure out if I would be dead last. No way. Kristen and I looked in the top echelon of trained runners. We were going to run really strong.

I was particularly excited to have Kristen run with me. She would be a great pace setter – she is almost always pretty even on her splits. I knew she would keep me from running out too fast – and making sure I wasn’t running too slow.

The start line!

The announcement for runners to get ready. The national anthem. The countdown. 10.. 9… 8… I looked up at the stars. They were stars unlike the stars you see in Houston. The sky was clear, a deep navy blue with flashes of stars that seemed endless. I asked my dad to give me strength, I would need some wings. 7… 6… 5..4… I thought about 2013, this year has been a roller coaster. After a really upsetting injury post-Houston, a new coach, a nasty humid summer – I told myself to trust all my hard work. There was nothing I could do to make it any better or any worse… 3… 2… 1….

Mile 5.

We were off. The race was so small that I quickly realized from the time the gun went off to crossing the mat, and hitting the start on my Garmin – was only a few seconds.. Not minutes. This would be a small, mental race.

Kristen and I chatted about how cold it was, we kept asking each other how we felt, the miles seemed to fly by underneath us. We laughed. We talked about our boys back in Houston. We found interesting looking building to comment on. We laughed at the “hills” we had to climb. We told each other we would call Landi out – she told us this race was flat!! Lies!! We flew past the first water stop, running in the 8s. Honestly, it felt like a long run with a friend. Before I knew it we were at mile 8.

Me & Kristen. Look, no one behind us.

I started to notice my left leg felt a little odd. I tried to not get myself all worked up – and just played it off to the cold weather. My bones and muscles were just not used to this 40F weather. I told Kristen my left knee and calf felt a little odd, but that I was ok.

We ran around the Capital of Oklahoma City, which was a really beautiful sight. The morning was starting to peak over the horizon, birds began to wake… It was a gorgeous day for a PR. My knee and left calf began to feel increasingly bothersome. I told Kristen and she asked me if I wanted to slow down. “No way” – I said! “We were going to PR – shit, a race this small we could win!?!” At mile 9, my left leg somewhat collapsed. It was the strangest thing. I didn’t miss step or land wrong. When I landed, mid-stride, my leg just gave out. I fell forward, but not all the way down. I caught myself saying “Shit”… Kristen asked if I was ok – and I said “Yeah – just keep running”. There was a guy behind us running, he said “That did’t look like it was ok – and ‘shit’ is never a good word this early”. I took his words and tried to forget them. I didn’t need that to get into my head this early into the race. Strangely, the pain completely went away after that little mishap….

I remember looking at the houses – we laughed about shutters on windows. Kristen told me it annoys her when the shutters are too small to cover the windows. I agreed – then what’s the point of shutters if they don’t cover the window?

At the halfway point, we saw Landi. I ran over to her and fumbling with my hands, I grabbed my bottle of electrolytes and guzzled down as much as I could – threw it back to her – and crossed the half mark right after Kristen did. We were at 1:56. Even better than we expected. Landi said we were looking strong and she cheered us on as we turned and ran the second loop.

Whats interesting about this race is that the marathon was originally supposed to run one giant loop. The first half would be the “hilly” section of Oklahoma City, and the second half would be flat as a pancake. Unfortunately, last minute (the day before) they changed the course and we would run the first half, twice. More hills than I was hoping for. Being from Houston, hills are NOT my friend. I run parking garages to simulate hill running – and I hate it.

Kristen and I joked that it was all “downhill” from this moment. We gave each other an encouraging high five, and really started to focus on the race. Our conversation became silence. Every other mile or so – I would ask her “What are you thinking about?” Just to see how she was feeling. It also helped me to focus on anything but the run.

Calf was cramping. Didn’t say anything.

At mile 16 I noticed my left calf (right below the knee pit) was starting to tingle. I knew that tingle all too well. I became mentally manic. I knew that I needed to perfectly time my water stops and Gu intake. I knew I had lost a normal amount of sodium, but since I wasn’t “sweating” because it was cold outside, I couldn’t judge it by how saturated my shorts were. I tried to remain calm. I shortened my stride a bit – extending my leg on the back end of my stride made the tingle more pronounced. I said nothing to Kristen about what was going on internally. I didn’t want to get in her head and I thought if I said something she would ask me about it – making the subject even more obvious to me.

From mile 16-18, there wasn’t a water stop. I don’t know if I had misjudged or if one was moved for the second half. But I had my Gu in my hand – and with every turn of the corner I found no salvation of a water stop. I had to keep going. I couldn’t slow down. I had to keep up with Kristen. We trained all summer for this race. I wasn’t going to let some stupid calf tingle stop me from killing this race. The next two miles were in complete silence. I tried my best to focus on my form, or as Kristen would say “not get sloppy”. I searched the skyline for buildings we had commented about during the first half. I couldn’t find anything to take my mind off my calf.

After I hit mile 18, it started to really set in. I could feel with every stride, my left calf would cramp and release. I knew it really wanted to lock up completely. I began to panic a little. I told Kristen there was something wrong with my calf. That it was cramping.

I can’t remember if she said anything or not – because I saw Landi about 100 yards in front of me. I picked up the pace just a step – because I knew she had a bottle of electrolytes with her. When I ran up, I immediately bent over and started to breathe really heavy. Kristen kept running. I just watched her get further and further in front of me. This is when I started to get upset. I knew I couldn’t let my emotions get the best of me – because once your emotions take over – you’re done. Landi asked what was wrong (her sweet mother was standing there too) all I managed to say was “Calf cramping”. I guzzled down as much liquid I could drink. I watched Kristen turn a corner and go completely out of sight. “SHIT, SHIT”.. It’s all I could say. Landi told me I was doing great and I only had a few miles to go. I don’t think I even thanked her – I just ran off. But it was her small talk that gave me hope, and courage to finish this race.

When I turned the same corner that Kristen had previously disappeared after – I saw her. She was really far ahead of me. I must have been stopped for longer than I had anticipated. I knew, that I needed to catch her. I wouldn’t finished this far back. Kristen is a phenomenal runner – and I wanted to finished either one step ahead or only one step back. I put my head phones in – which is so rare and cranked up the music. It was time for me to focus and dig deep. Mile 19. Mile 20. Mile 21. I had not only caught up to Kristen, but I had passed her. I felt unnaturally strong. My legs were flying over the pavement. It almost felt like they weren’t even making contact with the ground. I was flying. The music helped me get lost in my own head. I could see the turn around point. After this point in the race you have 4 miles to go. FOUR MILES, I kept thinking. Four glorious miles.

The leading female ran by me (already after the turn around – headed to the finish) and said “good work”. It must have been one.. two.. maybe three stride after she ran by. My left calf muscle locked up. It was the most awkward feeling. My toes curled underneath my feet and my leg wouldn’t allow my ankle any movement. I fell forward. Falling to the ground in a moment like this – seems to take forever. I just kept staring at the ground – waiting to hit it. And I did. Hard. Landi and her mom came running over. I threw my sunglasses down on the ground, I threw my Gu on the ground… and just cried. I’m not sure if I began to cry because I knew my race was over, or if it was the pain of my leg, the defeat, the disappointment… but I just cried hysterically. Landi put her hands to work. She was rubbing my calf out – focused on the knot. Told me that I was so close, that I could slow down. I could walk the rest just to finish. I knew she was being really sweet – but I also knew that she knew I would never walk. Kristen ran by, saying nothing. I knew, that she knew – my race was over. When I looked down, I realized that I had peed. It was really strange. I didn’t know if I peed because I fell, because I was extremely low on sodium, water – who knows?! I just looked at Landi and said, I peed. She started to laugh and told me it was ok. I then told her I was going to try. I mean, if I am going to run freaking marathons, then I might as well go down with a fight!! I began to hobble to the turn around point. I kept thinking to myself – if I can make it there – I can make it to the finish. It locked up again. I began to cry again. I knew. I looked at Landi and said “I’m done.” It’s when I said I was done, that the medics began to run over to me. Oh God. Here we go. I told them I was fine, just a bad cramp. They handed me some gatorade – and I think they also knew – than my race was over.

You could actually look at my calf and see it moving. It was the weirdest thing. What is super strange?! I salt my food daily (my husband tells me I’m going to get diabetes or something from all the salt I put on my food), I take electrolytes, drink Gatorade… but I am built as a heavy salty sweater. When I dry off, you can see the white lines of salt on my skin. Chris, my husband always brushes it off my face – and it flakes off like table salt. I’m just preprogrammed to lose ungodly amounts of sodium when I run.

So there I was. Crying. Defeated. Disappointed. Angry. Tired. Hungry. So close, yet not close enough. I called Chris and cried for about 5 minutes while he told me this was a good lesson learned for Houston (in January). That it was ok. I would be ok. Marathons would still be run. That not every race would be a great race. All I could think about – was how much I just wanted to nuzzle him and have him give me one of his great big ‘its going to be ok” hugs. I didn’t have that though.

By this time I was in the back of Landi’s car following Kristen. She was crying. I felt really bad I wasn’t there with her. That I couldn’t ask her “What are you thinking about?” Landi got out of the car and began to run alongside of her. We headed to the finish to watch her come in strong for a PR. I watched her cross the finish line, fast, strong and confident. I felt none of what she was feeling. I was so proud of her. Those last miles were nothing but hills and she did fantastic. She came over and gave me a really big hug – which stung my eyes a little. I tried to not show any emotion, but everyone knew I was devastated. I was even more devastated to learn that when I had passed Kristen at 19-20 I was first in my age group. I said nothing about that though. I wanted Kristen to feel all the joy – she freaking earned it!

Celebrating Landi’s 13.1

Landi, Me & Kristen – She finished!

When we got back to Landi’s parents house – I was in a really funky mood. I wan’t chatty at all. All I wanted was a hot shower, a nap, and some food. I was waiting for a shower to come free when Landi came in my room to tell me something. She looked at my face and could tell I had been sitting in my guest room crying. She gave me a big hug and told me she was proud of me. That I needed to see past the disappointment, that I ran my fasted first half I’ve ever run! I smiled and she walked out.

When I got in the shower, I just stood there. I kept thinking about what I could have done differently. What could I have eaten or drank? Should I have stretched more? Then I told myself to stop. I couldn’t get caught up in the shoulda, woulda, coulda… I couldn’t let that consume me. I told myself that the first step out of the shower would be fresh, a new step. I would focus on Houston in January – and I would let myself be proud of running an amazing 21.5 miles.

And I did just that.

Just for all you data geeks:
21.6 miles – Oklahoma City HITS Marathon
Mile 1 – 9:07
Mile 2 – 9:09
Mile 3 – 8:53
Mile 4 – 9:13
Mile 5 – 8:56
Mile 6 – 8:53
Mile 7 – 9:14
Mile 8 – 8:55
Mile 9 – 8:50
Mile 10 – 8:39
Mile 11 – 8:47
Mile 12 – 8:41
Mile 13 – 8:54
Mile 14 – 8:54
Mile 15 – 8:38
Mile 16 – 8:54
Mile 17 – 9:19
Mile 18 – 8:43
Mile 19 – 9:00
Mile 21 – 9:08
Mile 22 – 9:09
Mile 23 (.6) – 5:33